By No Knees NBA
Riding on the Metro after the Washington Wizards game on Sunday, I thought it was strange that a young group of teenagers were donning nothing more below the belt than underwear and boots. The kids seemed rather oblivious to the cold winter January day or the riders who were actually wearing pants around their legs.
Somewhere between Fort Totten and Georgia Ave. stations, the riders were amused to learn that the kids were celebrating “No Pants Day” – an annual subway tribute to nonsensical silliness. How appropriate that it was No Pants Day, I thought, considering that I just watched the Wizards get thoroughly undressed by one of the worst teams in the Western Conference.
If there ever was a microcosm (or macrocosim or any of the other cosims for that matter) of the Wizards young season, this was the game. I jumped into my seat in just enough time to see first-round pick Jan Vesely air-ball a free throw. At least it was good to see Vesely on the court, after suffering from injuries, illnesses, and ethnic put-downs from Alex Ovechkin, such as “your face looks like ass of goat” and “your mom was borne out of rotten potato.”
A few minutes later, the Captain of the Pick and Pop, Andray Blatche, checked into the game. Before the ball bounced on the court, Blatche picked up his first foul. Two turnovers, three missed defensive assignments, and five missed shots later, Flip Saunders received the third biggest ovation of the night when he checked Captain Pick and Pop out of the game. (The second biggest ovation went to Blatche after he dove into the stands trying to save the ball. In actuality, Blatche was going after a bucket of French fries that spilt on the floor. The biggest ovation went for the promotion of a free cup of medium-sized coffee at Dunkin Donuts)
By half-time, the 3-5 Timberwolves were up by a dozen, with Kevin Love already netting a double-double and NBA newbie Ricky Rubio tossing balls to wide-open players like he was Drew Brees. Flip must not have delivered much of an inspirational half-time speech because the third quarter looked more like a practice walk-through for the T-Wolves. Now approaching a full-on blowout, Flip called timeout and offered his players a deal himself – a voucher for a large coffee at Dunkin Donuts if they cut the lead to single digits. By the looks of Blatche and some of the big men, maybe he should have thrown in a glazed donut. No matter, the only challenge the T-Wolves faced in the fourth quarter was what to do during the television timeouts. The icing on the cake was Luke Ridnoir faking John Wall out of his boots on the way to an easy lay-in. Luke Ridnoir you say? Yes, the same Luke Ridnoir who is in his 30s but still has to ride “the big cheese” to the games.
The boos got so loud in the fourth quarter that you could hardly hear Blatche get whistled for his fourth foul.
The box score proved to be an accurate assessment of the game. Rubio had 13 points and 14 assists, double-double machine Love had 20 points and 16 rebounds, Ridnoir had 14 points, and three players who aren’t even household names in their own household reached double-figures in scoring. On the other side of the score sheet, Trevor Booker was the only Wizard to shoot over 50 percent. Blatche went 5-16, Singleton 1-8, McGee 3-9, Young 6-16, Crawford 3-11, Mason 1-4, and all-world John Wall made just 3 shots to go with his 4 turnovers. Rashard Lewis did not play, sources report, because his $210,000 game-day check did not clear his bank account.
Game, set, match; or as we say in Washington sports: lose, fire, trade.
The Wizards now stand at 0-8, which keeps their winning percentage at a tidy .000. They remain the only winless team in the NBA. Good thing this isn’t the premiership league. Otherwise, the Wizards would be heading for the WNBA. On Tuesday, Las Vegas odds makers gave 10,000 to 1 odds that the Wizards will crawl out of last place (to put that in perspective, the odds makes gave 7000 to 1 odds that Tea Party dropout Michelle Backmann would win the 2012 Presidency.)
So where do the Wizards go from here? Clearly, Flip Saunders is on his way out. I find it hard to believe that GM “Trader Ernie” Grunsfeld won't be close behind. That leaves second-year owner Ted Leonsis with some hard decisions to make...fast.
First, what to do when the axe falls on Flip. For an team as bad as the Wizards, it’s quite surprising that they lead the league in number of assistant coaches – giving Leonsis plenty of choices for an interim replacement. There's Flip Jr., who already matches the great Pat Riley in the bronze tanning department. If they want Randy Wittman they better hurry because he's already being scouted for the new Munsters movie. Sam Cassell is also an option, but then again, so is Gee Whiz or a ham sandwich. You could also go with Clipboard Johnnie, Statmaster Stanley, or Foul-counter Francisco. Outside of the organization are a plethora of assistant coaches, former coaches, and ex-players. But if I could borrow Ted's ear for a moment I would suggest a totally different direction: Phil Chenier.
Now I know what you're saying. Chenier, the broadcaster? He's never coached in the NBA, he hasn't played since the 70s, and he’s actually jealous of Steve Buchantz’s hair. Yes, all are good points. But let’s also re-emphasize that the alternatives are pretty bleak. This is a losing franchise in a football-first city that is plagued by moody players carrying heavy contracts. If Phil Jackson were here he would point at the entrance and say, “I'm not walking through that door.”
Chenier has been around the Wizards for nearly his entire adult life. He was a very good player for the Bullets, and he was part of their championship team. Phil has worked the broadcast booth for more than two decades, which means he’s endured more visual pain than Callista Gingrich. Phil knows the players, he knows the organization, and he definitely knows basketball. Perhaps the question isn't why wouldn't Ted offer Phil the job, but why would Phil take the job. Ted’s answer: “You can either sit in press row the next 20 years hopelessly watching this train wreck or you can do something about it and get paid handsomely for it.”
Once you bring in Chenier and some fresh assistants, the next move is to not only place Blatche, McGee, and Lewis on the trading block, but make them available for a $10 for $20 Groupon at Subway. At season’s end, fire Trader Ernie and hire a new GM to build around the young players Vesely, Booker, Crawford and Wall. Retain Nick Young as firepower off the bench. Also, take a lesson from former coach Saunders and keep Roger Mason off the active-man roster list.
Do all these changes equate to a winning strategy? Only time will tell. But at least these changes will help keep the Wizards from getting “pants” by future opponents.